So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
