I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
