I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
