I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
