It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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