ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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