I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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