Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize