Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
