I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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