i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
