There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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