What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Randomize
