Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
