fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
