i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
