Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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