She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
