My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
