even my farts smell like vagina
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Randomize
