that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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