we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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