i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
