I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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