I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
