I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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