I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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