I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
