i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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