Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
