my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
