My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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