My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize