Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
