There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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