I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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