I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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