swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
