forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
