dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
