I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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