You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
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