also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Randomize
