I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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