Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Randomize
