I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
