After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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