my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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