She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
