weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
