I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Randomize
